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发表于 2006-3-8 17:28
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结婚,是每个女人一生的梦想。我最期待的日子就是穿上白色婚纱的那一天,成为一个男人的新娘。去爱情海边度蜜月,享受希腊白色的海风,去巴黎,去凡尔赛。在这仅有的一次婚礼上,做最美丽的自己。我还要做个好太太,在家相夫教子。这是我对未来最大的期待。即便在今天,在经历过这个重大的挫折后,我依然抱有这个美丽的梦想。
听他说要和我结婚,我忍不住激动。当时的我太天真了,如果是现在,我肯定是满脑的疑惑,然后把这个说话浮夸的男人删除掉。
但很快我还是理智地静下来思考了这个问题,然后我觉得我应该和那个43岁的男人断绝来往。他大我太多,他经历的比我多,他要骗我简直易如反掌,所以我决定放弃,没有祈求就没有伤害。那时候,我第一次体会到,爱情如同游戏,赌注是幸福。
上网的时候,我问他为什么要想和我结婚,他回答道,我不是一个思想复杂的人,我只希望能和一个好女孩稳定下来。我有点感动,但还是说,我觉得我应该结束我们的关系。他问为什么,我没回答。忽然我电话响了,是他打过来的,但我没接。
然后我给他写了封EMAIL,大意是,我觉得我们不合适,首先是年龄差距,其次你这么草率的决定让我很害怕,所以我决定放弃。
第二天,我收到他的回信。大概是讲什么是爱情,什么是缘分,还有爱情与年龄无关之类的。
这封信我一直留在信箱里,他不喜欢打字却能写这么多,可见他的“良苦用心”。
Cindy, I was a bit up set and I unplugged myself from MSN. I am not sure if I like it anymore, I am afraid of it now. I have indeed deposited a certain amount of romantic endearment towards you. Only to find out you have "changed" overnight!
When you asked me about love between us, it is too abstract still at this stage. But I can explain to you, maybe that's where our life experiences come into indifference. Not so much our age differences, because one can be old and yet immature. Love to me is how you want to build it with someone, a commitment to make it happen or work. One's devotion and determination are what's needed in a relationship. Willingness to marry someone means you want to live with that person through good and bad weather. It is not like a game of discovery, where you will say, "what if we don't love each others after we gone out?"
So when you asked me "why do I love you", the answer is simply why not? What's is so wrong with you that I should not love? You maybe dreaming of a prince on a white horse who will truly loves you till the day everyone dies, maybe it will arrive soon or someday. But it is a dream you are chasing. The reality of "Love" is a bit of "Yuen Fen", a bit acceptance, tolerance and readiness to live together to weather the stormy days. So I picked you, I liked the way you look. You are not a movie star with a drop-dead body, but you have a pleasant face and a bright disposition. You have a lively fun personality that I enjoyed. I do not see that you are of a "cranky" type who nags and screams when are not along your way. So all these tell me you are a good girl to marry. Am I too wrong to think like this?
I do not think of love yet. We are too conditioned by Hollywood or TV romantic episodes that we think "Love" is like a drug, sweet and bitter. It brings happiness and tears. Well I do not think so. Love is a very practical desire, you address it and you build it into a castle. Love is a process where it evolves continuously through a life time. It is not like a "commodity" created by western culture where it has been modified into a sensation, or a commercial substance where people celebrates it with material goods and iconographic zymology. So it simply is meaningless when someone asks "do you love me?", and more absurd when someone answers "of course i love you".
What is more important is whether someone is prepared, ready to build love through a life time.
看了这封信后我发觉,或许他真的爱我。大飞笑我天真,让我别相信,但是这封EMAIL却让我动摇了。我以为我很理智,很坚定,以为这段扭曲的感情会就此终结,然而我错了,在爱情上,我的天真让我输的一塌糊涂。我和他的故事延续着,不知道是不是他的信感动了我,还是我舍不得结束不可理喻的纠缠,总之,故事似乎还有很长。
那个假期,每天晚上11点,我就会溜进房间,躲在被窝轻言细语地和他聊天。我总想象和他在一起的日子,靠在他肩上感觉他的呼吸,倾听他温柔的话语,或是做好一桌饭菜等他回家,或是换上柔情似水的睡衣靠在他的胸膛上看电视,或是在昏暗的灯光下两个人身体的缠绵。。。
他总说起我的身体,说起他的迫不及待,说我可爱,说我有时呆呆的。。。我也怀疑过他的爱情,不止一次地怀疑,却始终不能自拔。
女人越是爱一个男人,就越是怕一切来的太快,童话般的故事结束后,爱情就会消失。
每次一想到他10月来,就一阵恐惧,不是怕第一次做爱会痛,而是怕他一走就再不回来,留下我自己品尝幼稚的苦果。不得不承认,我是个很好哄的女孩,20 岁的女孩,没有过爱情的女孩。在40多岁男人纯熟的爱情技巧下,我的感性一下子就推翻了理性。明知道在玩火,还奋不顾身,飞蛾扑火的爱情。
大飞常劝我,她知道我对纯真爱情的信念,她怕我受伤害,让我离开这个可以做我父亲的男人。我却固执地想下这个赌注,赌上我的未来。爱情,婚姻,幸福,女人一生都在追求。不得不承认,我也有虚荣心,我要一个好老公,一个事业有成的好老公。有时候会很矛盾,我是爱他这个人还是爱他的光环?或者只是想打发孤独,沉浸于被爱的喜悦中。
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